Category Archives: Drunks

Keg Stands Not Just for Meathead Morons and College Kids

Contrary to popular belief, keg stands aren’t just for meathead morons and college kids. Keg stands are also for elderly morons. And meathead babies. It’s all fun and (drunken) games until somebody drops grandma on her head.

UBN

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Man Drinks Wife’s Beer, Wife Calls 911 and Ends Up in the Clink

Running of out beer at the wrong time can be a legitimate emergency, for me at least. But calling 911 is not a good way to resolve the issue. Just ask Kathleen Lech, a 50-year-old moron from Belleville, Illinois, who called 911 in hopes that they’d send someone to reprimand her boyfriend for drinking four of her beers.

Kathleen Lech Mugshot

The 911 dispatcher let her off the hook for the first call, but after she called back to bitch about them not finding her husband, the police showed up at her residence and arrested her for disorderly conduct, misuse of 911 and, you guessed it, drunkenness. Maybe, just maybe, she didn’t need another beer after all.

If you want to, you can to listen the 911 calls here, but they’re really not very funny, and I’m sure you can find something better to do. Like drinking a beer.

UBN

Via St. Louis Post-Dispatch

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Friends Don’t Let Underage Friends Ask AIDS-Infected Madmen to Buy Beer

I never buy beer for minors, though I’ve been asked to on a number of occasions—Boston is packed with thirsty underage college students. I had to come up with creative ways to get beer when I was underage, so why should it be easy for today’s budding drinkers? (Plus, they never want good beer, only 30 packs of shitty schwill.)

MA legal drinking age billboard

I came across the sign you see above earlier today, and it got me thinking that the Patron Spirits Company, which paid for the billboard, probably shouldn’t be thanking everyone who refuses to buy beer for teenagers. Here’s why.

Last week, a couple of minors, presumably college kids, allegedly gave a Boston man $25 to buy them alcohol; $20 for the booze, $5 for the man. But the man decided he wanted more than just five dollars—can you blame him, that’s only enough for two 40-ounce Steal Reserves—so he exited the liquor store empty handed and returned just $3 of the kids’ $25.

When the minors protested, the man pulled out a syringe, jabbed himself and drew blood and then threatened them with it while screaming that he had AIDS. The kids found a nearby officer, told him the story and they soon arrested 47-year-old Jose Soler, who was found in the nearby Forest Hills subway station—just a mile from one of my old abodes. Soler reportedly had a syringe in one hand and a wrinkled up $20 bill in the other. Damning evidence, to be sure.

Jose Soler Mug Shot

Jose Soler Mug Shot

Soler has been charged with two counts of armed robbery and assault with a hypodermic needle, and he’s being held on $2,500 cash bail, according to BostonHerald.com.

Being the upstanding citizen I am, I went ahead and fixed that billboard.

MA legal drinking age billboard

UBN

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